i am a sinner who doesn’t have it together

It’s hard sometimes.

It’s hard to always have it together.

It’s hard to stop yourself from shedding a tear because you just don’t have it together.

It’s hard to admit to yourself that you don’t have it together.

As Christians, we want to be okay. We want to always mean it when we say we are fine. We want every smile that appears on our face to be genuine. We want to spread joy and happiness and be sincere about it. We sometimes feel as though we have the expectation of happiness and joy we have to consistently try and uphold.

But my friends….

I have a confession.

As much as I want to convince myself, and the rest of the world, I just simply don’t have it together all of the time and I don’t have it together today.

While I wish that my smile was always genuine, and I wish that I never cried because I am frustrated and overwhelmed with my life…the fact of the matter is that I just don’t always have it together.

A few days ago I decided to finally admit that to myself.

Admit and accept that I need to change my life, because there was a hole inside my heart. A hole that I know only one thing could heal, and that one thing wasn’t very present in my life, and I knew in order for me to feel at peace again… and in order to find genuine happiness, it needed to be the center of my life again.

I have spent months and months, hiding and filling this hole in my heart with bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit. Pardon my language, but there is absolutely no other way to describe it. I would do anything and everything to hide the fact that maybe I just wasn’t okay.

The worst part is that I had actually convinced myself that I was happy. I truly believed that I was.

Let me try and explain that a little bit better.

I was happy.

But I was happy with the bullshit that I was filling that hole in my heart with. I was happy living my life in the dark. I was happy not having stability in my life. I was happy living my life with what I believed was “living freely”. I was merely spending my day to day life blindfolded. Blindfolded by the consequences of my actions, and unwillingly to take off the blindfold because I was scared to see what mess I had made. I was scared to take the blindfold off, and to flip on the switch so I could see clearly again. I was scared to let go of my pride, because I was scared to feel that hole in my heart that I had tried so very hard to ignore. I wanted everyone to see that I was okay. That I was happy. I don’t know how well of job I did of convincing other people that, but I did one hell of a job convincing myself that.

I’m here to tell you from experience, that you will never be truly happy if you live your life the way that I did.

I finally realized what I needed in my life, and I’ve been crying of frustration and anger towards myself ever since I figured it out because I’ve finally taken off that damn blindfold and I got to see the damage that I have created. Maybe it isn’t anything that is noticeable to any close friends or family members of mine, but it is noticeable to me. The mess I have made is piled up right in front of me. I know that this mess isn’t anything that I can’t clean up, but that fact that it was made in the first place is a very disappointing and frustrating feeling to me.

I have spent months and months without feeling God’s hand on my shoulder when I cry, I have spent months ignoring His words, I have spent months ignoring his advice, I have spent months not taking the time to thank Him for the day, and I have spent months drowning in my ego and pride.

Maybe you’re reading this and thinking that I am too hard on myself, but I don’t believe there is any worse feeling that once having a very close relationship with Christ then completely turning away from it and back tracking about 2 million steps. There is truly no worse feeling, especially when you finally take off that blindfold and realize where you are.

Psalm 23: 2-3 “He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name.

We have a God of pure grace.

Because while I spent months and months turning my back against Him, when I finally turn back around to Him again He is still there waiting for me and ready to hold my hand to renew my strength and guide me down the right path. When I decided I was ready to listen again, He wasted no time to speak to me. He wasted no time to put my mind at peace, He wasted no time to tell me that it was okay and that I am still His daughter, and I am loved.

My brothers and sisters, you are still loved. Whether you are going through this exact same situation and you recently realized that you have been blindfolding yourself from Jesus’ love and grace, or maybe it took you to read this to even notice that you are. But just remember that we are sinners.

I am a sinner.

You are a sinner.

Christ died for our sins. 

His love for us is unconditional.

Although I am frustrated with myself, I can now see. I can see all the greatness Jesus has placed right in front of me, and I know that as long as I stay close to Him, I can never wander far from what is right and good.

 

 

 

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