I want to write this post a little differently. It’s gonna be pretty long… so bless your heart if you read it all.
I want to go over my 2017 starting in January of 2017 and going month by month (even though there may be a few months that I group in together closer to the end of this year) instead of a big summary of what I’ve learned and this is why:
I want to do it this way because 2017 had to have been the craziest year that I’ve ever experienced. It was definitely a roller coaster of emotions and learning how to push through all of that was extremely tough. But 2017 has been one hell of a journey, so I wanted to share it with you month by month.
January: trying to find security
I remember on this exact day last year, my best friend and I were getting ready for a new years eve party back in my home town. I’ve never been a partier, didn’t party once through out high school. But I did a little bit once I got out of high school for a couple of months. So while I don’t have much to compare to, I know that party I went to last year was the best I’ve gone to (like I said, it’s not saying much though because I haven’t gone to very many). January continued to be a month of feeling lost and grasping onto something that made me feel safe and comfortable after the breakup I had gone through 5 months before that with someone I’d been with for 4 years. Finding that security and comfortability was all I was looking for, and I looked for it all in the wrong places.
January was kind of a big month for me. I’ll be honest, not only did I get in trouble with the law for having a party at my apartment, but I also quit working as a CNA and did it WITHOUT having a job lined up. Talk about absolutely STUPID, right? Quickly I got a job at a daycare.
February: a step closer getting rid of negativity
It’s true. Most of the people I hung out with were toxic. It wasn’t till the end of the month when my roommate and I decided to start cutting people off. It was another month full of feeling lost and turning to certain people and things for security. Looking back now, seeing the very deep pain that I was in and seeing how hard I was trying to hide all of it just makes me so sad. I think it’s one thing to be in so much pain and make that completely visible to people, but another to be in that same pain but no one knows.
February was also the first full month at my new job. I started making friends with the people I worked with, and I actually enjoyed working there much more than I thought that I would. I remember seeing so many people in and out because we were hiring and we needed people pretty badly. I remember the day that Heath came in to interview. It was all girls working at the daycare, so many of my co-workers saw him and thought it to be very interesting that a guy wanted to come and work at the daycare. Many of them not minding though because he was “cute”. About a week or so later, Heath started working at Little Munchkinland. His first day, he came and sat down by me and we talked. While we got to talking, we found out we had a lot in common and his mom actually graduated from my home-town and my mom actually knew her and Heath’s grandparents. In that moment, I had a feeling a good friendship between the two of us was about to start.
March: my breakdown month
I remember this month very specifically as nothing more than my “break down” month. At this point, Jayla (my roommate) and I had stopped partying. We stopped doing a lot of things because we cut out a lot of people in our lives, and we did it for a reason.
I remember, for about a week, crying about a lot of the decisions I had made. And realizing how lost that I actually was, and how unhappy I was. While I had grown in many different ways, I knew I was also very lost. Is what that moment of realization that made me break down for nearly a full week. I actually have a blog post I wrote in April, and that post was right after I started to figure things out and started to clear up that break down that I began to have.
April: finding myself, slowly but surely
I haven’t taken the time yet to talk about school within these last four months. I’ll just say it’s been terrible. While everyone around me wants it to be a priority in my life, it simply isn’t and for many reasons. I will just leave it at it being terrible.
In April, I felt like things were finally looking up. I felt happier. I ate healthier. I began doing things for me. I was beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Nothing was perfect yet, like I said, school was still terrible, but I truly began to just feel happy. And that my friends, was so needed. I stopped worrying about my past and my future. I worried about the present and what was in front of me, and doing that allowed me to just feel content with life. Just feeling “content” was all I needed at this point. I also got a weekend job as a weekend leasing consultant at my apartment complex, which was very refreshing for me.
May: finding true happiness
May was another big month for me. The weather was warm, the flowers were blooming, I enjoyed going to work everyday (looked forward to it actually), I was healthy, and I was happy. This month is a lot about Heath. This month is when things started to click for the both of us. Months previous to it, him and I were good friends I felt like and he was fun to be around but I don’t feel as though I was in the right place mentally to try to go beyond that.
But May was a very happy month for me, and I think that was obvious to many people including my co-workers. I felt radiant.
Let me get to the good part about this month… I haven’t really talked about this part to people besides my closer friends and to Heath of course, but I want to share it now being that we’ve been together now for 7 months and this is the beginning of our story and it’s one of the best parts.
Heath and I started becoming very close to eachother at the beginning of May. We had a lot in comment and I felt like he understood me in ways many didn’t, besides my roommate. I looked forward to seeing him every day. We never talked much outside of work yet, but when we talked together at work, it was always the highlight of my day and I think we both tried finding ways to be around each other all day just so we could talk to each other. One thing we both liked to do was dance… if we had the radio on for the kids, him and I would waste not time in dancing together and with the kids. We loved it, and it made both of us smile.
On May 19th (sorry if it’s weird that I remember the date), is when things changed for the both of us. We were both in the kitchen area to get snack ready for the kids, and this was right before we were all in the gym and the kids were running around and we had the radio going. “Play That Song” by Train came on the radio and we both hadn’t heard that song in a while because afterwards when we went to get snack ready I started singing it (the damn song was already stuck in my head), and then here comes adorable, tone-deaf Heath running over to me to dance and sing with me. In that moment when he came over to do that, there was a spark that went through my body. I use the word “spark” because that’s exactly what it felt like and I know he had felt it in the exact moment I had too. About 20 minutes after that, I got off work and I went in my car and I cried. I was so overwhelmed by that. I didn’t feel like I was ready to love someone again, and the thought of that terrified me.
I came home from work and I explained this exact same thing to my roommate, and I swear up and down to her that Heath had felt it too and I felt so silly saying all of this to her because I thought I was just being ridiculous, but she just sat there and listened and smiled at me. About 20 minutes after explaining all this to her, I get a text from Heath. Let me tell you, Heath rarely texted me. We hardly talked outside of work. He says, “hey, what’s up?” I said, “not much, wbu?” he said “just getting off work. let’s make a deal” I said, “okay, whats that?” he says “neither of us can quit the daycare, unless we both are ready for it”. I immediately ran and told Jayla and said “i told you”.
A couple of days later, we asks me out on a date, and a week later we go to a movie and dinner together, and then he takes me out to the golf course that over looks the Lincoln Airport to show me the lights. May ended so very well.
June was spent with Heath. We went on a lot of adventures together and did some crazy things while we spent every day with each other, learning more and more about each other.
July: taking a trip down to memory lane… total darkness
July was a very rough month. Just when I thought everything was turning around for the good, it turned right back around again for the bad.
I’m not going to talk about everything that happened within this month, but I will talk about a few.
I remember Heath and I having a deep conversation about life and loss. I told him how I haven’t ever lost anyone in my life like he has. The only death I’ve had is my great grandma, and my grandma Kroll, in which I was too young to remember and my older sister, but I wasn’t alive so I can’t say I “dealt” with that.
The very next morning I get a call from my mom telling me grandma was in the hospital, she fell and hit her head, and it wasn’t looking good. They weren’t positive that she was going to make it. I went down to Auburn that day to say good-bye to my grandma one last time on July 20th, 2017. Came back home to Lincoln that day. Wasn’t sure how to feel. Came back down to Auburn that weekend do attend the funeral. The following week was so rough. It was a week for disappointment, deceit, anger, sadness and betrayal. And the week after that I accidentally left my car unlocked, so my book bag with my computer, and all my books had been stolen along with my purse (which was later found thrown on top of the roof of the apartment). July was just a bummer.
August, September and October: healing
These months weren’t spent healing from the events that happened in July. There were even more, what I like to call, “little disasters”, throughout August and September that I don’t have the time to go into detail about. I believe even today, on the very day of 2017, I am still healing. And I might be for a few more months, but in order to truly heal from certain things you must take that time to recognize that you aren’t totally okay yet and to give yourself the time necessarily to be okay.
At the end of September I also decided to quit the daycare because of some negativity lingering around it, and at that point in my life, negativity was the last thing I needed or wanted in life.
November and December: family
Because of Thanksgiving and Christmas in these two months, I got to spend a lot of time with family. Heaths family and mine. I think there is nothing more important than family in life, and even though Heath has become my family, I also got the opportunity to meet the people in his life that he called his family, which was an incredible honor for me. I have been so truly blessed by being with someone who’s family is so loving and welcomes me with open arms. When I see Heath’s mom, there isn’t a time that goes by that she doesn’t hug the both of us as we leave. Same goes with Heather’s fiancé, and his sisters, or Joel and his fiancé and all her kids. From the moment Heath and I started dating, his family has been so incredibly good to me and I am so blessed for that.
Not everyday has been easy this year. I’ve had one too many hard days. I know I’m not going to wake up tomorrow morning and I am going to be completely and totally happy. I am not going to be skinnier and I’m not going to get up and eat totally healthy, but what I do KNOW is this:
I will wake up tomorrow leaving 2017 behind me. I have a problem of never properly healing because I can’t let things go. I will wake up tomorrow with the remembrance of 2017. Some things I will gladly take with me in the rest of my life, but some and most, needs to stay right where it is. The key to happiness and learning to focus on what is in front of you day to day, and to stop worrying about the future and the past.
I will wake up tomorrow knowing and believing 2018 will be a good year.
Here’s to 2018